Friday, 4 April 2014

04/04/14 - JuicyPips Toolkit for Happy Living

‘Modern Life is Rubbish’. Arguably Blur’s best album, but not an entirely accurate sentiment – modern life is actually pretty spiffy. However, there are certain key elements of it that you need to get properly locked down in order for it all to function satisfactorily, and for this reason I’ve compiled for you the Big Bumper JuicyPips Toolkit for Happy Living. Y’know, just to help out. Here’s what you need to do or acquire to ensure that everything is lovely:

Quality bedding
Never underestimate the importance of having a decent kip. Being asleep is pretty much the best thing you can do. So don’t balk at the cost of decent bedding, it’s worth every penny. Take £200 to John Lewis and buy an all-seasons duck-down duvet (unless you’re allergic to feathers, obviously – then it’d be a really stupid idea); while you’re there, another £50-odd on Egyptian cotton sheets will help. Yeah, it’s annoyingly expensive, but just trust me. Best money you’ll ever spend. Thank me tomorrow.

Your life will be infinitely less annoying if you make sure you’ve got enough phone chargers. Get one to live beside your bed, another for the living room or kitchen, one for the car, and one for your desk drawer at work. Then you won’t be that annoying person who’s always bitching about low battery and scrounging for leads, and you also won’t do that frustrating thing where you get into bed, realise your battery’s on 7% and your charger’s downstairs, and have to trek all the way down to get it.
And don’t believe that crap about your device being harmed by non-branded generic chargers, it’s just a bridge between your power socket and your battery. Buy Chinese 99p chargers from eBay. What can go wrong*?!
*Please don’t send me a bill if your phone catches fire

A good television
I don’t know about you, but I spend a fair bit of time watching telly. It pays to get a good one. Even if you do end up blowing more money than you can comfortably afford right now, the cost-per-view will shrink every time you switch it on; buying quality will mean it lasts for years, as well as giving better sound and picture. And it gives you an excuse to watch TV constantly, using that whole cost-per-view thing as justification.
Please, please don’t just go to Tesco and buy a Technika (or other shit brand you’ve never heard of) – yes, it’s very cheap, but you get what you pay for. It’ll be awful, and you’ll have to replace it next year.

Decent wi-fi
C’mon, it’s 2014. Fast internet access is readily available. If your provider can’t provide, swap to someone who can. Time spent waiting for pages to load is dead time you’ll never get back.

Tactile glassware
Some people end up with a cupboard full of random mismatched glasses that they’ve acquired over the years from a variety of sources. These people are doing it wrong.
If you’re having a beer, pour it into a pint glass. (And don’t pour an ale into a lager glass, the agitator in the base will fizz it up and ruin it.) Get some nice wine glasses. Buy a set of chunky tumblers with heavy bases for your spirits. It’ll feel right. Little luxuries, they make a big difference.

Buy new socks every now and then
It might just be me, but I reckon the whole rigmarole of getting dressed in the morning is massively improved by having socks that you like. I mean, getting dressed is very little effort, but the fact that you’ve had to get up at all makes the whole thing annoying. But nice socks make it OK. Yeah? Comfy socks, soft ones, with attractive stripes or interesting patterns. I spent years in the wilderness wearing cheap black socks, and I’m pretty sure my life is better now.

Make sure everyone fucks off and leaves you alone
Register with the Telephone Preference Service. This should, in theory, ensure that you never received unsolicited marketing calls on your landline. (You still will, that’s just life, but now you have an amazing weapon in your arsenal that makes the bastards hang up immediately.)
Stop mindlessly deleting all of those crap emails that keep popping into your inbox and actually bother to open them and click ‘unsubscribe’ – your new-found inbox cleanliness will make your heart smile.
Oh, and disconnect your doorbell. No-one of any interest will ever ring it out of the blue, and if it’s somebody you know then they’ll definitely call you and say ‘yo, I’m at the front door…’

Get spares
Set aside a drawer in your house. Fill it with the following:
AA batteries. Light bulbs of various wattages and fittings. AAA batteries. Plasters. Germolene. Bonjela. Sellotape. Menus for your favourite local takeaways. Two screwdrivers (one flathead, one Phillips). A torch. A biro. Some string. Paracetamol, ibuprofen, Immodium. A tape measure. Call this your useful drawer. It’ll save all sorts of where-the-fuck-is-that-ism.

Unfortunately most of these suggestions involve buying something, and they’re not all cheap things either. Sorry about that. But if you had your life in order, maybe you’d have sorted some of this shit out already. You can’t blame me for that.

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