Friday, 5 April 2013

05/04/13 - Beer? Grog Noose.

It’s no coincidence that ‘George Osborne’ is an anagram of ‘ogre’s ego boner’. The smug-faced anus of Tatton has done a remarkable job of taking the reins of a fucked economy and charging it headfirst into the murky waters of totallyfuckedness, all the while wearing a despicably creepy smirk and generally being an unlikeable arse. Well, George, fuck you and fuck your Budget. We’ve got a number of ideas right here that will get the economy shipshape in no time. The first step of the programme is to take that enormous house of yours and push it slowly and methodically into your backside, chimney-first, right down to the foundations, so that it’s wearing you like a skin-jumper – not that this would help at all, we just don’t like you. And once that’s achieved, we can move on to implementing the following concepts. Step aside, Bullingdon shitbag – we can take care of it from here. Go and steal some lollipops from schoolkids or something, play to your strengths. (Honestly, your Labour-voting mother must be bloody ashamed of you.)

Legalise all drugs
Sounds bonkers, but this will sort things out quick-sharp. Osborne’s 2013 Budget continued the tradition of taxing booze and fags just enough to make it look like they’re discouraging people without actually doing so – the tax revenues are enormous, so why not legalise everything and tax that too? 
This is a point that JuicyPips made back in October 2009; if it had been implemented back then, you’d all be living in gold-plated houses and driving Rolls-Royces by now.
Legalising everything just makes sense. It’s really short-sighted to assume that criminalising recreational drug use will reduce incidences of it happening. If people want to have a relaxing joint or a crafty line at the weekend then they’re going to do it. The benefits of making every drug legal are obvious: firstly, of course, it will rapidly diminish the organised crime network. The majority of organised crime centres around three areas – drugs, prostitution, human trafficking. Legalise the former two and the crime bosses’ sole revenue stream is the latter; with fewer police chasing after respectable citizens who like a cheeky toke or a handjob in a layby, they can refocus their efforts on cracking down on the human trafficking thing. Job done.
With all drugs available through official channels, authorities can control the content. Purity levels will be assured (value for money there), while harmful ingredients will be eliminated: with fewer people unwittingly snorting rat poison, pressure on the healthcare infrastructure will be relieved. Also, do the obvious thing: tax drugs. The government can take a cut of every pill, every gram, every eighth, and pump the vast profits into healthcare, education, the whole shooting match. Yes, you may find a slight rise in the number of recreational drug users initially, but a) the pros of the system outweigh the cons by far, and b) look at the Amsterdam model: do they have a weed epidemic? Of course not. People know what they want to do, they’re not stupid.
The only reason this idea hasn’t been mooted before is that there’s no way any party would ever get in with such a policy – the Daily Mail would have a field day.
JuicyPips isn’t afraid of the Daily Mail. Let’s fight intolerance with intolerance!

Promote smoking
Let’s not be coy. People smoke. There’s money to be made here, right?
To pluck a random example out of the air, look at the field of motorsport sponsorship. Some of the most iconic and memorable liveries have been nicotine-themed: the JPS Lotus F1 cars and Rothmans rally Escorts of the seventies, the Marlboro Ferraris of the nineties… and then there was the embarrassment when cigarette advertising was allowed in some countries and not others, so that cars sponsored by Benson & Hedges had dumb slogans like ‘Buzzin’ Hornets’ plastered across them when they raced in the UK, and then it all just spiralled into silliness.
Bring it back. Put tobacco advertising on things. Let them sponsor TV shows. Give them back their billboards. There’s a shitload of tax revenue to be made by recruiting new smokers. Think of them as sacrifices for the cause.

Make people with self-inflicted maladies pay for their own healthcare
Obvious, this. The NHS is a magnificent, spectacular thing that I can’t praise highly enough. But it’s obvious that it’s massively over-stretched, and that isn’t fair on anyone. The idea here is to direct its good work only to those who need it through no fault of their own; people with diseases, people who’ve had accidents and so forth. Anyone who requires medical care because they’re fat, or they’ve been fighting in the pub, or they’ve been smoking sixty Marlboros a day for sixty years, should be presented with a bill at the end. You got yourself into it, you knew the risks, stop making other people pay for your treatment.
(Any care and treatment surrounding pregnancy and child-rearing is exempt from this, of course – yes, you [probably] made the baby on purpose, but your sprog will be pumping money into the economy further down the line. Playing the long game.)
This closes the perfect smoker loop, as you get money from them twice – once on the tax revenue from the ciggies, and once from the treatment of their emphysema/whatever.

Bring back window tax
It may sound horrendously draconian and, well, evil to be actively gearing Britain toward becoming a nation of shadow-dwelling hermits, but let’s be honest, the government has that whole evil vibe in spades. If the Osborne/Cameron/Clegg clusterfuck announced that they were bringing back window tax, no-one would be that bloody surprised. C’mon, it’s not that far removed from their bedroom tax…
The British window tax of 1696-1851 is the reason that so many buildings of the era have bricked-up window frames, often that were sealed right from the start and have never had glass in them. And that’s something we could embrace – build new houses with no windows. Force the poor to brick up their windows and live in the dark.
Hey, if everyone’s got rickets because they actively chose to seal up their windows, they’ll have to pay for their own treatment. More money for the coffers!

Filter 1% of TV phone-in money to the Treasury

It’s an embarrassing truism that far, far more people vote in X Factor and its kind than in local and general elections. This isn’t something that’s going to go away; indeed, with a growing percentage of TV shows centring around the reality phone-in mechanism, it’s bound to increase. People will pay premium rate to influence the outcome of something that ultimately has no bearing on their own existence, beyond being able to say ‘yeah, he won that talent show because I was one of eight million people that wanted him to’. And then Simon Cowell buys another Bugatti.
None of these dullards will care (or even notice, probably) if you add 1% to the cost of each call or text, and filter said amount to the Treasury. And that’ll add up to a fucking shitstorm of cash.

There you go, sorted. You’re welcome.

Interestingly, another anagram of ‘George Osborne’ is a description of his typical day: ‘Gorge. Sneer. Boo.’
Yeah, take that.

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