Friday, 29 January 2010

Goo Got Talent

...featuring Weebl & Bob and Insanity Prawn Boy.

Charlie Brooker - Frozen Britain

The Nether Regions

Local papers are shit, that goes without saying. The Nether Regions is a superb blog that collates the best (well, worst) bits in one place, with some gloriously sardonic commentary. Click here.

Hardcore Clunk Click

Rare photos of famous people

All kinds of interesting snaps here.







Wal Mart clown

Epic Win FTW

Click here - it's sort of the opposite of FAILblog.







Pringle - David Shrigley

A beautiful little animation made for Pringle by David Shrigley.

Things that are doing it

Lots of things look unintentionally dirty. And here's where they all live!





Emoticons + boobs + kitty ears

Carol Vorderman

...is a very naughty girl.

Unhappy hipsters

'It's lonely in the modern world.' Click me.

Happiness Machine

A very cute idea from Coca Cola.

Zebra finches rock!

...in a way.

Worst album covers of 2009

Click here for the full awfulness.



Shouty ginger spaz

I spy a new meme.

29/01/10 - Fibs

Lies are brilliant, aren’t they? The constant connectivity we enjoy in these modern enlightened times allows porky-pies to proliferate with astonishing breadth and enthusiasm. Did you know, a tooth left in Coca Cola will dissolve overnight? Or that Walt Disney’s body was cryogenically frozen? Or that M-16 rifles are made by Mattel? Or that Donkey Kong was supposed to be called Monkey Kong, but was mistranslated?
You’re wrong, stupid. All of that is bollocks.
Still, maybe you can convince some of your thicker acquaintances that the following infamous lies are true… the internet thinks they are, after all.

George W. Bush said lots of daft things
Well, alright, that statement in itself is true. Dubya is a fucking idiot, and is down on record making all kinds of cretinous gaffes. However, most of the famous ones (e.g. ‘the vast majority of our imports come from outside the country’, ‘if we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure’, ‘for NASA, space is still a high priority’, ‘it isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment; it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it’) are utter fabrications. Furthermore, they were all previously attributed to John Kerry. Dirty tricks.

You can get out of speeding points by slightly overpaying the fine
The idea is that you pay a tiny bit more than you’re supposed to – say, £62 for a £60 fine – and they’re obliged to refund you the difference… but you don’t cash the cheque. They can’t apply points to your licence if the transaction is incomplete, so you get away scot-free.
This is, of course, absolute codswallop. No system would be crap enough to allow that sort of thing to happen. Plus, whoever receives your cheque will probably guess what you’re up to and make sure you’re on some kind of watch list – you’ll spend the rest of your life getting pulled over.

The Blair Witch Project was based on a true story, using real footage
As the legend goes, three student filmmakers mysteriously disappeared whilst making a documentary on the legend of the Blair Witch. No trace of them was found, and their footage was discovered a year later in an old cabin.
Of course that isn’t true, you’d have to be a total berk to swallow a word of it. The Blair Witch story is wholly fictitious, and two very important points prove the apocryphal nature of it: one, no film studio would be heartless enough to use actual footage of missing youngsters, and two, the ‘filmmakers’ are still very much alive. Still, there’s a lot of people out there who’ll swear blind that it’s all true. They’re the sort of tossers that wince when you say ‘candyman, candyman, candyman’.

A dead scuba diver was found in a tree after a forest fire
This is a brilliant lie – if you can tell it convincingly, it’s just crazy enough to be credible.
Following a forest fire, the charred remains of a man are found up a tree. He’s wearing a wetsuit, with flippers, dive tank and face mask. He didn’t die from burns, but from massive internal injuries indicating a heavy impact. It transpires that firefighters had called in a fleet of helicopters with water buckets – they scooped water from the sea and dumped it on the forest. Our dead friend was out scuba diving when he met his surprising and unfortunate demise.
Compelling though the story is, it could never happen. Most helicopters used for this purpose collect water through a hose (known hilariously as a ‘donkey dick’), while those that use helibuckets only have 12” openings, so you couldn’t possibly get a man in there. Although you might find some fish in the trees bearing expressions of blackened perplexity.

Travellers are drugged and wake up with missing kidneys
Everyone knows this one. You go on holiday to Thailand (or Las Vegas, or, in fact, anywhere at all), you’re out having a good time, someone spikes your drink, and the next thing you know you’re waking up in a bath of ice with a note scrawled on the wall saying ‘call an ambulance if you want to live’. At the hospital you discover you’ve had a kidney removed.
A scary thought, and not entirely implausible… except that there hasn’t ever been a single recorded case of this actually happening.

Curry is found to contain loads of semen
You’ve heard this one, right? Some guys have been on a night out and get a takeaway curry. One of them falls asleep, and when he awakes he’s a bit suspicious of his curry. He gets a medical student friend to examine it, and finds five different kinds of semen in it.
Now come on, seriously? It’s just a really unlikely set of circumstances. Can you imagine five restaurant workers having the time and inclination to get into a circle and wank into a curry? It wouldn’t happen. And if you think it would, don’t go to those sorts of restaurants.

The Poseidon Adventure was being screened on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg
Actually, that one is true. Spooky, eh?

Depp: dead?

Click to enlarge

How to report the news

Thursday, 21 January 2010

X-ray vision app

If only...

Airbrushed for change

Click here.





AIDS graffiti

A truly excellent advert.

Casualty database

An enormous database of emergency room admissions, searchable by keyword. It's funniest if you search for words like 'inserted', 'penis', etc. Click the image to have a go!

Surprise high school reunions

This is just epic - the man has balls of steel.

Unintentional sex

...is the funniest kind. Click here for more.



Death of a Snowman

Death of a Snowman from Peter Scott on Vimeo.

Farmville sucks

When subtitles go wrong

Click here for more.





Re: My continued existence

A Brixton Proposal

This is such a lovely idea. Click here for the full story.







**edit**
The photos and story have now been removed from the original source - basically, a guy from Brixton proposed to his fiancee by organising for the Ritzy cinema and Fridge nightclub to announce the proposal on their signs. He got a mate with a camera to capture the moment, showing the glorious moment when the penny dropped, swiftly followed by him getting down on one knee. A great idea, and very well executed.

Incidentally, to all the people in the comments thread on that site - I'm not interested in getting into a flamewar so I haven't responded on there, but...
a) if you think it's copyright infringment for me to be posting these pics on here, you clearly have a basic misunderstanding of what copyright is and b) I'm not going to take the pictures down for two reasons: one, that's not how the internet works, and two, screw you - it's my blog!

Absurdly fast drumming

Watch the cymbal wobble - this isn't sped up!

21/01/10 - Memes for dummies

The internet – fascinating, isn’t it?
If there’s one real problem (or benefit, depending on your perspective) that it has, it’s that it can be terribly elitist. If, for example, you haven’t seen a particular video before and you forward it to a friend who saw it five years ago, they’re likely to judge you for being tremendously behind the times. And rightly so – I recently received an email that had the original Ken Lee video in it, with a non-sarcastic ‘OMG, this is so funny!’ message attached. I haven’t spoken to that person since. And if you don’t know what I mean by ‘Ken Lee’, you definitely aren’t geeky enough for the modern world.

So, as a helpful leg-up for the spoddily underdeveloped, here’s an ultra-basic chronological guide to the key memes you should be aware of. Anything here you haven’t heard of? Google it. That’s what Google’s for.

Trojan Room Coffee Pot
The world’s first webcam – set up in the University of Cambridge’s computer lab to allow people in other parts of the building to see whether there was any coffee in the pot without actually having to trudge all the way down there. Become something of a hit when hooked up to the internet in 1993.

Ate my balls

Quite simple, this one. Take a picture of a celebrity, cartoon character or what-have-you and caption it to show how the figure in question likes to eat balls. Started by the popular ‘Mr T Ate My Balls’ page in 1996, it was the first true internet meme in the sense of lots of users copying and modifying the idea.

JenniCAM

The first full-time online webcam girl. She left her webcam on 24 hours a day to document her life for the world. She enjoyed phenomenal popularity through this, partly because the concept was very psychologically interesting, but mostly she kept it on all the time, meaning you could see her masturbate.

Dancing baby
…was a bit rubbish, but very popular in 1996. It was a 3D animation of a baby dancing for a few seconds. That was it. Went viral very quickly though.

Bonsai Kitten
An internet hoax that claimed to give detailed instructions on how to perform ‘body modifications’ on cats, grow kittens in bottles etc. First hoax to truly highlight the stupidity of internet users; i.e. if you read it on the internet, it must be true. It caused uproar in 2000, and people are still just as stupid today.

Goatse
Originated from the site goatse.cx, the main image being a man bent over, pulling his, er, exit hole open with both hands to an unbelievable width. The goatse image sparked a meme similar to the later ‘2 girls 1 cup’ thing, i.e. showing it to people whilst filming their reaction, then sharing the reaction video.

All your base are belong to us
This poorly-translated phrase appeared in the Sega Mega Drive game Zero Wing – the broken English, abbreviated to AYBABTU (or just AYB) went viral in 2001, and is still frequently quoted by nerds everywhere. If you see someone saying ‘all your base’, feel free to judge them – at least you know what they’re talking about now.

Star Wars Kid
A video filmed in 2002 that showed a Canadian kid waving round a golfball retriever like it was a light saber. Immediately spawned countless mash-ups, parodies, cameos in cartoons and all sorts.

O RLY?
Abbreviation of ‘Oh, really?’. Quite a cutting putdown in response to a statement that is either blindingly obvious or just lengthy. Natural comeback to this is ‘YA RLY’.

Technoviking
Filmed at Fuckparade 2000 (an annual techno parade in Berlin), this video focuses on a genuinely scary viking dude strutting down the street. To this day, no-one seems to know who he is. But he is damn scary.

I Like Turtles
A kid who’s just had his face painted like a zombie is asked what he thinks of it by a news reporter. His answer, ‘I like turtles’, is gloriously random. Viral fame ensues.

Diet Coke & Mentos
This has been virally ebbing and flowing since 2002. Basically, you drop some Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke and the resulting reaction creates a cola geyser. Went viral because everyone likes to make a mess.

Dramatic Chipmunk
It’s literally just a video of a chipmunk turning toward the camera in a dramatic way. It only lasts a few seconds, but it was as big as Star Wars Kid.

Boom goes the dynamite
A young sportscaster’s first TV report is hideously cringey due to his obvious nerves and lack of skill. His use of the phrase ‘boom goes the dynamite’ is comedy gold, leading to endless parody.

Tyson the Skateboarding Bulldog
…was, as the name suggests, a bulldog on a skateboard. Everyone in the world emailed the YouTube clip to everyone else in the world because, hey, it was a skateboarding dog. The existence of skateboardingbulldog.com shows that the owners are still trying to milk the fame of their pooch six years on.

Doing it wrong
‘You’re doing it wrong’ is a caption that can and will be applied to any picture of anything going wrong. Type it into Google Images, you’ll see. It’s been going on for years, it never gets old.

Tron Guy
Jay Maynard, mild-mannered computer programmer, made himself an electroluminescent Tron costume (as in the movie) in 2004. His chunky physique and the skintightness of the costume led to widespread internet ridicule.

VTEC just kicked in, yo!
Honda’s VTEC engines feature two cam profiles, one that kicks in at high revs. The effect is akin to that of entering warpspeed in Star Wars or jumping to Slipspace in Halo; hence, ‘VTEC just kicked in, yo!’ is a phrase that sort of means ‘it’s all happening now’. Also used to indicate slightly out-of-control or unexpected velocity or action.

Numa Numa Guy
Another fat man opening himself up to ridicule, this video clip showed a nerd listening to some obscure Moldovan technopop and dancing like a lunatic in his chair. Impressively, he knew all the words.

Chuck Norris
One of those memes that’s got really annoying because people still think it’s hilarious when actually it’s pretty tired. You know the kind of thing – ‘Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird’, ‘Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse – horses are hung like Chuck Norris’ etc. Give it a rest, it’s been five years.

Leeroy Jenkins
Videos of World of Warcraft are usually only of interest to other players, but Leeroy Jenkins is brilliant. The clip shows some players engaged in ultra-nerdy battle plans, when Leeroy decides just to run into combat screaming his own name out. Everybody dies. Nerd angst sent it viral.

Ask A Ninja
Surprisingly, this has been around since 2005. It’s basically a series of award-winning (but actually a bit shit) videos showing ninjas answering various questions. And that’s about it.

Nintendo Sixty-FOOOOOOOOUR!
A video of a kid opening his Christmas presents in 1998, which went viral in 2006. No-one in history has ever been as excited as this about a Nintendo 64.

I Can Has Cheezburger?
This brought LOLspeak and animal-based macros into common usage. It’s basically a blog of TOAP (text on a picture) images with deliberately misspelled captions to show the superiority and dominance of cats. Countless spin-offs abound.

Fail

The simple, universal concept of schadenfreude. Possibly originating from late-nineties video game ‘Blazing Star’ that would say ‘fail’ or ‘you fail it’ instead of ‘game over’, online culture nowadays insists that ‘fail’ be applied to anything wrong, shit, embarrassing or stupid. FAILBlog, from the makers of Cheezburger, popularized the bold white TOAP that pops up everywhere now.

RickRoll
A prank involving the video to Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’. You send someone a link to the video, pretending it’s something else, they open it up and (with any luck) get caught watching a Rick Astley video by their family/friends/colleagues. Evolved from a practice called ‘duckrolling’, where one would pretend to link to a popular news story or video that was unobtainable due to heavy web traffic, but would actually link to a picture of a duck with wheels. But of course.

Charlie bit my finger… again!
Home video of one child biting another child’s finger. Inexplicably popular.

Daft Hands
A video to Daft Punk’s ‘Harder Better Faster Stronger’, featuring some excellent manual choreography. Perfect fodder for ‘OMG, check this out’ emails, so spread very quickly. Spawned the equally massive ‘Daft Bodies’.

Ken Lee
An auditionee on Music Idol (a Bulgarian Pop Idol show) says she wants to sing Mariah Carey’s ‘Ken Lee’. She’s basically misunderstood the lyrics, and misheard ‘Can’t Live’ as ‘Ken Lee’. The ensuing audition, with its made-up lyrics, is classic.

Play him off, keyboard cat
Footage taken in 1984 of a cat in a blue shirt ‘playing’ jaunty music on a keyboard went viral in early 2009 when a chap named Brad O’Farrell pasted the clip onto the end of a video of his own to highlight the fail within. Technique immediately copied by thousands.

World of Warcraft freakout
Possibly fake, but hopefully not, this video shows a kid going mental after discovering that his mum’s deleted his World of Warcraft account. Unbeknownst to him, his brother has set up a camera in his room to tape the carnage. Oddest moment comes when he jabs at his anus with a remote control.

David After Dentist
Filmed in the back of the car, this video clip shows young David reeling from the drugs administered at his visit to the dentist and basically talking a load of nonsense. Charmingly weird.

Imma let you finish
After Kanye West ruined Taylor Swift’s night at the MTV VMAs, the phrase ‘Imma let you finish’ was been segued into every interruption or disagreement in popular culture since.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, obviously. There are about five or six other internets too, so go see if you can find them…

Friday, 15 January 2010

Unfinished London

This is superb in every way.

Fleshmap: music

Body parts categorised by musical genre. Shame on you, hip-hop!

Click image.

Remi Gaillard retrospective

C'est en faisant n'importe quoi qu'on devient n'importe qui.

First Person Tetris

This is incredible... although it might make you a little queasy.

Beer run

A new drink-drive ad for the DfT, perhaps?

Letterheady

Letterheads: surprisingly interesting. Click the image to see.

8-Bit Pwny Club 3

50 best protest signs of 2009

Click here.



Usavich

...is an animated series run on MTV Japan. It's very, very cute and really fucking odd.



Click here for more info, or just type 'Usavich' into YouTube.

Vintage Ad Browser

This is incredible - a colossal database of old ads. Click here and get exploring.



Nolan's cheddar

This makes me want cheese. And to kill mice.

Simpsons nerdspoddery

Seriously, he's going to stay awake for six days straight watching telly? Can't be done.

Click to enlarge.

Lost camera

This is a sweet idea, and brilliantly executed. This guy always leaves these photos on his digital camera in case he loses it - click the image to see the full glory of it all.

100 game cupcakes

Click here and see how many you can guess.





What your babysitter's really up to

Cost of war

Click the image to see current massive figures.

Japanese McDonald's advertising

...is fucking mental.

If Star Wars had Facebook...

Click here.

Nic Cage as everyone

Nic Cage is so versatile - he can play anyone!
Click here to see.



15/01/10 - World Cup 2010

Apparently there’s going to be some sort of big football tournament in South Africa this year. Now, I have no idea what football’s all about, but I’m a man of the people and I like to make my ’Pips accessible to all – even knuckle-dragging hooligans – so I’m going to have a bash at this. Apologies if you understand football… you may spot a hole or two in the facts.

The concept of the World Cup was thought up in 1610 by Galileo Galilei. As the world’s first exponent of heliocentrism (and, face it, he was right, despite what the Catholics said), he decided that the best way to cheer everyone up after telling them that the Earth wasn’t in fact the centre of the universe would be to bring them together with some sort of massive event. His nephew, Bill Galilei, was quite taken by a new game he’d seen some dirty guttersnipes playing, which largely involved players kicking an inflated pig’s bladder at one another, randomly diving to the floor and pretending to be hurt, having a general unashamed contempt for the public and shagging thick girls to hide their obvious latent homosexuality. ‘By gum,’ thought Galileo, ‘here’s an idea that could catch on.’
He toiled for years, decades, to get the world to unite over a few games of football (or ‘twatbladder’, as it was then known), but was roundly dismissed as a cretin and eventually burned for talking about sport too much to cover up his telescope fetish, the weirdo.

Even so, it comes to pass that football is the game that everyone seems to care about. It could just as easily have been cricket or jogging or archery that hoodwinked the world into thinking it was enjoying itself, but circumstances have led us to football, so we have to make the best of it.

The World Cup is, of course, the very zenith of soccer intrigue. Even people who would normally far rather go to prison or fornicate with their own goldfish than watch a football game start to get quite excited about it. I mean, it is quite cool, isn’t it? I love watching England play in a big international tournament. And if I enjoy it, imagine how hyperactive the regular footie nutters get!
It is an unavoidable fact that a lot of football fans are idiots who shout ‘oi oi!’ a lot, are misogynistic racists, love to fight and let the sport take a back seat to getting really pissed and punching foreigners because they have the audacity to come from somewhere that talks funny. Lucky them, they get to go on holiday! Well, not the ones who are so accomplished at hooliganism that they’ve had their passports taken away, but the rest of them – they get to punch foreigners on their own turf. Win-win, right?

It’s going to be hilarious. I’ve never been to South Africa, but I’ve heard it can be quite gritty. Normally during the World Cup or the European Championship it makes me cringe to see how Brits are representing their country, but this year will be superb. There are a lot of guns out there. A lot. And the prisons (which, no doubt, will fill quickly due to the SA police’s zero-tolerance policy) are tremendously dangerous. Suddenly our armies of obese skinheads will find themselves very much out of their depth…

It’s not all about the dickheads, of course. Plenty of football fans are decent, intelligent folk. So what do they have to look forward to? One hell of a show, by all accounts. Some of the stadia are pretty impressive – have you seen the one in Durban? – and we’re starting with some not-too-tricky opponents, so hopefully we’ll go the distance. Our first match is against the USA, for Christ’s sake – what do they know about football?

I have no info on the form of our players, or even who’s going to be on the team (I’d take a guess at Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard, but only because they’re the only three players I can think of), but I imagine we’ll win the whole tournament pretty easily. It’s probably our turn. And if not… well, at least we’ll have got some quality fighting done. Oi oi!

Epic hair

Friday, 8 January 2010

Chicken beatbox

Superuseless

A fantastic blog of useless superpowers - click the image to see. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

HotSheeter

This infomercial is absolutely incredible. For all the wrong reasons.
I particularly love the wooden relationship between the presenter and the woman - it's just like Alan Partridge's corporate video on the canal boat. ('Aren't you having any bacon?' 'No, I'm vegetarian.')

"Sounds like you need a handjob!"

Click the image. Get yourself a quality handjob.



You deserve it.

Pick it like Brown

Our great leader, ladies and gentlemen.

Signspotting

Click here for a bottomless treasure trove of bizarre signage.