Friday, 26 February 2010

Sign Language

Make pancakes like a crackhead

Click here.

Home-made black pudding

Horrifying and hilarious in equal measure.

Sally Sells You Stuff

Brilliant idea, this. Sally talks you through a product in classic cartoon style, then links to where you can buy it. Very cool. Click here.

Taiwan TV animates Brown's rage

I wish our news networks were this outrageous.

Creative 404 pages

...because 'file not found' messages don't have to be boring. Click here.

Casino Royale - M Phone Calls

M's gone mental and won't stop banging on about Shakespeare.

World's strangest airports

Click here to see some scary places to land.

The Right and Wrong Song

This is lovely. And will get stuck in your head.

Brucie - The Forsyth Saga

Argh! He's unstoppable!

London Transport art

There's an amazing (and enormous!) collection of London Transport artwork here.

David Cameron exposed

This is the most perfect thing I've seen in ages.

26/02/10 - Spoiled

Last Friday night I was enjoying a quiet pint or two in the company bar when I overheard a colleague saying something genuinely astonishing. He was discussing the forthcoming general election with a friend, and was telling him about how last time he went to vote he ‘spoiled the ballot paper as an act of protest’. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are. I’d just like to take a minute in this increasingly preachy forum to point out how much of a cretin you are.

So, you’re angry at Labour for whatever reason and feel that you don’t want to vote for them again? OK, that’s your choice, you have the democratic right to vote for whoever you like – a lengthy history of blood and struggle has granted you that. But do you honestly think that Gordon Brown is going to personally scan all of the spoiled papers and think ‘oh no, John Smith scribbled all over his form and wrote ‘Gordon Brown is a twat’ – perhaps I should have a bit of a rethink’? Of course not – if you think spoiling your paper achieves anything other than proving your own petulance, you’re an arse. Furthermore, the fact that you’ve done so directly leads to funding for the BNP. Fact.

That may sound like questionable logic, but it makes sense. In June last year, you had the opportunity to vote in both the European Parliamentary election and UK local elections. Very few people did. This voter apathy, combined with increasing numbers of people voiding their papers, meant that the BNP won two seats in European Parliament. We’ve sent two racists to represent us, and we’re paying for them to be there. Not so clever now, with your spoiled ballot paper, are you? You’re pissing on the democratic legacy of your forefathers. How embarrassed would your grandpa be if he knew your generation was sending its own Nazis into Europe?

Honestly, bloody Nick Griffin – coming over here, taking our seats…

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Chat Roulette

A lovely mini-doc by Casey Neistat.

chat roulette from Casey Neistat on Vimeo.

That wanking puppet's the one the BNP used, isn't it...?

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

MyHammer erection

As if their name wasn't euphemistic enough, the protagonist in their latest advert is a tranny with a boner. Classy.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Adventures in Sex City

If anything's going to teach teens about sexual health, it's a cock-armed character called Sperminator jizzing over a naïve virgin named Wonder Vag.
Click the image to play.

Fruity charger

Yes, it is possible to charge an iPhone with segments of orange. Takes bloody ages to set up, mind.

Kick homophobia out of football

Powerful stuff.

How to be a Retronaut

The past was way better than the present is. Everything you could need to know is captured for posterity in the sublime How to be a Retronaut.

Mail shredder

I've heard that this is what actually happens in Royal Mail sorting offices. It'd explain why half your post never fucking turns up.

Please Rob Me

An excellent site highlighting the idiocy of people who use Twitter to effectively say 'I'm not in my house, pop by and help yourself to my stuff'. Click here.

Principal's Office - Ain't nothin' wrong...

"I like your tie." Cheeky little scamps.

Babies with laser eyes

It's exactly as awesome as it sounds. Click here.

'Vancouver City' time-lapse

Movies of the noughties

the films of the 2000s from Paul Proulx on Vimeo.

Flying 101

Some excellent design work from Kulula. It'll be really embarrassing for them if they crash one of these now...


Flickerbook history

This must have taken absolutely ages.

Real-life Simpsons house

OK, some of the details are wrong, but it's a superb effort. Click here.

Goths in hot weather

...because they have to go out in the sun sometimes.
Click the image to see.

Runaway tiger drill

I'm not sure what's most enjoyable about this video - the subject matter, the tiger itself or the lacklustre voiceover.

19/02/10 - "Good luck with the blog!"

After last week’s JuicyPips ranting about various terrible adverts that are currently on the box, I received a rather interesting reply from a chap called Jeremy Herbert at – to recap, here’s what I said about their advert:

“You’ll get the worst possible price for [your car], and you’ll definitely wish you hadn’t done it. In addition to this, it’s possibly the most annoying jingle of all time (and it’s really bloody catchy too).”

…and here’s Jeremy’s response:

“I represent and whilst we're always very happy for our advert and our services to be discussed in an open forum, I would just like to reply to a couple of comments made in this blog posting. I hope that in keeping with the true spirit of blogs you will publish our comments to present a balanced position.

You state that "you'll get the worst possible price for it" which is incorrect. Our prices are often significantly higher than a customer can expect to get for part-exchanging their car which is one of the most common methods of used car transaction. We have thousands of buyers across the UK and are specialist vehicle remarketers who can pass on some of the best prices in the market to the consumer that they would not ordinarily get access to.

Secondly you state, "you'll definitely wish you hadn't done it". Put simply, we can readily supply thousands of testimonials from customers who would agree that gave them a hassle-free and financially satisfying way to sell their car without tbe [sic] hassle and inconvenience that usually accompanies a vehicle sale.

Negativity aside, sincere thanks for reviewing our advert and we're glad you agree that it's 'bloody catchy' - we're pleased as punch!

Good luck with the blog!”

Alright, let’s start at the beginning. You wish to respond ‘in the true spirit of blogs’? What exactly is the true spirit of blogs? The spirit of random people around the world posting whatever thoughts may pop into their heads in the hope that someone else might read them? It’s not really a ‘spirit’, is it? It’s a lot of people largely just shouting into empty rooms. You make it sound like there’s some kind of official bloggers charter; a sacred code by which all bloggers live, conducting themselves in a manner befitting the ‘true spirit’ of the internet in general – a magical place where everyone’s happy, no-one tells lies, purity reigns and everybody is fundamentally rather nice to everybody else. The blogosphere is not a digital utopia, Jeremy, nor is it a democracy. You sound like you’re sixty years old.

Now, let’s look at your spurious defence of I’ve just run through the details of my own car in order to test your logic, and received a valuation price of £620. It’s worth approximately three times that to anyone who knows what they’re talking about. But that’s not what really amazed me… I tried the registration number of a Ford Capri I owned a few years ago, an amazing example of the breed in spectacular condition. You offered a price of £50. Fifty fucking pounds. I sold that car for £3000 in 2005, and it’d be worth nearly double that now.
I also ran through the details of my boss’s 51-plate 911 Turbo. Oh, it’s a glorious thing, and has been lavished with no small amount of love and care. Your price for this beautiful machine? £18,645. Now, he’s a reasonable man, but I’m pretty sure that if you approached him with such an offer he’d slap you across the chops.
The argument that ‘our prices are often significantly higher than a customer can get for part-exchanging their car’ says more about the idiocy of the general public than any potential merit of your service.

You say that you ‘can readily supply thousands of testimonials from customers who would agree that gave them a hassle-free and financially satisfying blah blah blah’ – I hope that this isn’t an empty promise, Jeremy. I’d like to take you up on your offer. Please, at your earliest convenience, send me one thousand testimonials from your happy customers. I assume they’ll all be grammatically hilarious.

This point also interests me: you say that ‘hassle and inconvenience’ usually accompany vehicle sales. I put it to you that this is bollocks. I’ve owned thirty-one cars over the past eleven years, and I haven’t suffered any inconvenience in selling a single one of them. In fact, it’s quite an enjoyable experience – you get to talk the new owner through every facet of their new pride and joy, detailing all of its idiosyncrasies, and you get a big wodge of cash at the end. It’s brilliant. Anyone who fails to appreciate this is clearly not entering into the 'true spirit' of selling cars.

Finally, I’d like to address your closing comment. ‘Good luck with the blog’? Why, thanks Jeremy – without your support I might just have given up on JuicyPips altogether. I imagine you’re the only person reading it (my stats are probably lying), so the best wishes are appreciated. In return, I wish you good luck with your peculiar job. Good luck with trawling the internet to see what people are saying about; good luck to your overlords in sucking the cash from impoverished and desperate folk who’ve been hoodwinked into thinking your company is doing them a favour when in fact you are, admit it, screwing them over just a little bit, in the ‘true spirit’ of exploitation.

Your move.

Would you buy a mattress from this man?

Friday, 12 February 2010

Old Spice: 'The man your man could smell like'


It makes me so happy that this is a real chain of Brazilian dealerships. Click the image to see.

50 impressions in 50 seconds

I feel weirdly compelled to watch this over and over and over again.

YouTube is full of cretins

Well, obviously. And finally the window-licking berktards have a gallery all of their own. Hosannah. Glory be.

Click me.

French Roast

A lovely bit of animation - well worth watching all the way through.

God's Source Code

Michael Barrymore is a dick

Seriously, what the fuck's wrong with him?

Click to enlarge.

Celebrities with short legs

Exactly as the name suggests. Click here.

Naughty McKenna

Try not to look into his eyes.

Slaughterhouse 90210

...when television and literature collide.
Click here.

Webcast vortex!

God hates signs

Brilliant story. Westboro Baptist Church (the 'God hates fags' nutters) staged a protest in front of Twitter's San Francisco office recently, but the locals knew they were coming and totally out-sloganed them. Click the image to see.

Mirror Scare

Possibly an overused technique...?

Reebok Classics are for crims

This is no surprise.

Click to enlarge.

Is this the worst promo film ever... or the best?

12/02/10 - Ad ranting

Advertising – it’s a funny old game. Sometimes adverts are so inspired and intelligently crafted that they can make you weep at the sheer beauty of it all. Sometimes they’re just shit.
There’s a lot of the latter about at the moment. For example…

These ads prey on the moronic in the most transparent and upsetting way. ‘Having a shit time? Can’t pay your gas bill? Why not send us those gold earrings that your mum bought you for your eighteenth? We’ll send you a tenner in return…’
The whole thing’s just really upsetting – 95% of the people that use these services will regret it. And 100% of them will get a really bad price for their gold (obviously) – but the stupidest thing is the necessity to post it off to the company in question in an envelope that basically says ‘this package is full of gold, which is frighteningly easy to sell these days’. Having watched Dispatches the other day, there’s no way I’d trust Royal Mail with my precious metals.
Same basic principle as the above – you’ll get the worst possible price for it, and you’ll definitely wish you hadn’t done it. In addition to this, it’s possibly the most annoying jingle of all time (and it’s really bloody catchy too).

…and yet more preying on the desperation of idiots. You will make more money eBaying your phone than you will by sending it to these companies. That is a solid gold fact. Also, the Envirofone ad has managed to achieve something that no other ad has ever done: I want to destroy every single person in it. With hammers.

Quite a bizarre advert, this. The basic principle of it is sound: woman is struck down with heartburn whilst canoeing, uses product in question, feels better, continues canoeing. What’s odd is that Gaviscon felt the need to provide such a filthy visual metaphor for how the product works. So… the cure for heartburn is to have a fireman ejaculate extravagantly down your throat? Well, at least there’s a product available now that prevents me having to find a real fireman to do that.

The latest one shows Mr T doing press-ups with one finger. Now, riddle me this: how old do they think their target audience is? Has anyone under the age of fifteen actually watched the A-Team? Can you name another advert that successfully managed to shift product purely by the means of shouting? (Well, besides Barry Scott.) And do we really need to see Mr T’s sex face?
There’s not a lot that can be said about this series of godawful ads, beyond the fact that I’m actively trying to find out where Peter Jones lives so that I can give his smug twattish face a good slapping.

OK, so they’ve left Howard behind on the panto circuit, but who’d have thought it was possible to make anything worse?
They’ve managed it though, by gum. A bunch of smug cunt Halifax workers manning what would obviously be the world’s most annoying and unnecessary radio station, all very pleased with how interesting and amusing they think they are, whilst actually ensuring that all of their customers immediately switch to rival financial institutions to escape the shame of it all.

Daily Mail
It really winds me up that their TV ads are so airy-fairy and ‘ooh, isn’t everything lovely, isn’t the world interesting?’ when the act of reading the newspaper itself is like having a sweating right-wing middle-class bigot screaming in your ear ‘IMMIGRANTS! CANCER! TAXES! FOREIGNERS! BROKEN BRITAIN! PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES ARE STEALING OUR JOBS AND GIVING US LEUKAEMIA!’. Oh, just fuck off.

The whole series of ads following Josh and his attempts to make a band are cringe-inducing. They really should have taken more care in choosing the protagonist – I don’t give a toss if his band works out. I want him to die alone and unloved. Nauseating posh sod.

News of the World
My word, they’ve done it again. They did it with Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre, and now the formula’s been pasted all over John Terry’s misery. What formula, you ask? It’s simple. Find a celebrity that’s having a really bad time, make them stare into a camera in an entirely emotionless fashion, reciting in a monotone the mantra ‘buy the News of the World, read about my heartbreak, buy the News of the World, read about my heartbreak’, ensuring that there’s no indication that these things have actually happened to them in their own real lives. Honestly, who does this help?

Apart from those, though, all adverts are brilliant. Give or take.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

T-shirt war

This must have taken so long to make. (Shame they ruin it slightly with the overlong plug at the end though.)

Friday, 5 February 2010

The Beaufort Scale

Record Tripping

A brilliant and addictive game - click here.

n.b. you can only play this if you have a mouse with a scroll-wheel.

Channel 4 News - remixed

Daily Tails of Chase

Good God... this cat actually has no face. Click here.

Sex robot

Secret castle

He should be allowed to keep it for his sheer tenacity, if nothing else.

Click to enlarge.

Best action sequence ever

This is just so ridiculous. And you kind of feel sorry for the horses.

Afrikaans rap

Lovely accents. Just lovely.

Top Gear - Rover 200

It's quite an amusing spoof, but it's the (possibly deliberately) terrible editing that makes this hilarious.

Glossy weirdness

Featured in JuicyPips before, but well worth another look. Click here.

Stabbed in the back

Click to enlarge.

Social network addicts

Abandoned tank

Click to enlarge.

Peculiar album covers

These kind of lists surface all the time, but this is a particularly good one - click here.

Water ceiling prank

It's the ending that really makes it...

Too young for quiche

Click to enlarge.

05/02/10 - Nineties Mixtape

Welcome to the JuicyPips mixtape!

Unless you’re a tedious robot, music will have been one of the most important things in your life when you were a teenager. I was lucky enough to have lived my formative music years in the mid- to late-nineties, a period commonly accepted to be one of the best three eras ever to be a teenager (the others being the mid-sixties and late-seventies). Below, for your nostalgic delectation, is my nineties hitlist: the songs that made my teen years. They were all very special to me. Maybe some of them were to you too…
(I was going to do a top ten but it was impossible to narrow down, and I got a bit carried away.)

Ash – Petrol
Ash were an incredible live band in the nineties and, while 1977 is their best LP, the tracks from the Trailer EP provided their fiercest live thrills. Petrol was always my favourite.

Nirvana – About A Girl
The younger kids were obsessed with Nevermind, but it was still all about Bleach for us. Whenever a school band were allowed to play in assembly, they’d always play About A Girl. Everyone knew it off by heart.

Smashing Pumpkins – Fuck You (An Ode to No-One)
Mellon Collie was one of those wow albums – so much to love. Everyone knows Zero, Bullet With Butterfly Wings, Tonight Tonight and 1979, but if you want the perfect aural representation of teenage angst, this was the best track on the album by far.

Oasis – Acquiesce
The b-side that should’ve been an a-side. Every second of this song is killer. Kids today don’t appreciate just how good Oasis were in the good ol’ days.
(Try singing the chorus, it’s surprisingly hard…)

The Charlatans - Bullet Comes
We were a bit too late for the baggy/Madchester thing, so whilst we loved the likes of The Only One I Know and Weirdo, it was their eponymous fourth album, a little more swaggering, that really did it for us. The best track on the album was Toothache, but I can’t find it on YouTube so I’ve gone for the second best, Bullet Comes.

Blur – Popscene
One of the best songs ever written, and that’s a fact. Leisure was the first LP I ever bought, and I’ve been a little obsessed with Blur ever since. ’92 single Popscene (actually released when I was 10, but hey) was their finest moment.

Longpigs – She Said
Their first album, The Sun is Often Out, is one of those rare albums where every single track is excellent. She Said was the song that everyone loved in particular.

Mansun – She Makes My Nose Bleed
For about a year, Mansun were my absolute favourite band – I still have every album, single and EP they ever released (on every format and from various countries). She Makes My Nose Bleed is pure Mansun perfection.

The Bluetones – Time & Again
Their debut album was just incredible, and this is the best track on it. You can listen to it over and over again, that riff never gets tired.

The Offspring – Self Esteem
Quality shouting. Smash was one of those albums that everybody owned, and Self Esteem was the track that always got a massive cheer when it came on the pub jukebox. An epic anthem of disenchantment.

Spacehog – In The Meantime
This is one of those songs that you know, even if you don’t know it. If you know what I mean. I could listen to the album, Resident Alien, for hours on end. In fact, I did.

Elastica – Connection
Much underrated band, Elastica. Their first album is an essential nineties indie linchpin. Connection is a particular highlight because, well, it’s awesome - it’s one of the songs I’d always put on my teenage mixtapes.

Foo Fighters – I’ll Stick Around
…because we were all very angry with Courtney. And teenagers love to scream things like ‘I don’t owe you anything!’.

Kula Shaker – Hey Dude
It’s easy to dismiss Kula Shaker as a novelty band if you’ve only heard Tattva and Govinda, but they were genuinely good. And Hey Dude is just a phenomenal track.

The Presidents of the United States of America – Lump
Everyone my age fucking loves this. And with very good reason.

Reef – Naked
Another song that always found its way onto my teenage mixtapes. Their first album, Replenish, was packed full of genius like this, but Naked just has one of the best riffs of all time. Unbelievably good.

Garbage – Queer
It’s just so filthy all the way through. Shirley Manson does strange and irresistible things to impressionable teenage minds.

Idlewild – Everyone Says You’re So Fragile
They’ve recently started to become the Scottish REM (which is fine), but in the early days they created some excellently spiky punk. They were one of my favourite live bands, particularly when they cranked out stuff like this.

Supergrass – Lenny
You can’t beat a bit of early Supergrass. Lenny was yet another track that would generally pop up on a teenage mixtape – it’s just so cool.

Guns N’ Roses – Buick Makane (Big Dumb Sex)
I was such a massive GN’R fan when I was a kid. The Spaghetti Incident covers album is generally written off by the purists as an irrelevance, but Buick Makane was a track I loved to play very loudly to annoy my parents (along with Down on the Farm, Attitude and I Don’t Care About You). And any song that repeatedly screams ‘fuck you!’ has to be a winner.

Rancid – Maxwell Murder
C’mon, tell me you’ve ever heard a better bass solo than that!
As well as being an amazing song, Maxwell Murder is only a minute-ish long, so it was great for filling in the little gap on the end of a mixtape.

Placebo – Nancy Boy
This blew my mind when I saw it on Top of the Pops when I was fifteen. It’s just so compellingly bizarre.

60ft Dolls – Alison’s Room
Another band I became slightly obsessed with, collecting all of their singles and rarities. This song’s brilliant, plus it's from the rare and unreleased second album, so it's doubly special.

Menswe@r – Stardust
Everyone hated Menswe@r, but I really liked them. Stardust is particularly good, and they were superb songsmiths in general… I never really understood why everyone disliked them so much.
(And they used the @ symbol before it was cool.)

Terrorvision – Some People Say
One of my all-time favourite bands, and this is my favourite of their songs.
Perfect teenage shouty chorus: ‘Do you think I care? Do you think I care?’. Reminds me of sitting round a campfire, all cidered-up.

The Seahorses – Love is the Law
Proof to a concerned generation that there was life in John Squire yet. Most of the Seahorses’ stuff was pretty disappointing, but Love is the Law (particularly the solo) reminded us of the Roses.

Green Day – Stuart and the Ave.
I loved Green Day (still do), and it’s really hard to pick one track. This one’s from the Insomniac album, which I loved because everyone sort of forgot them after Dookie, so this album felt like mine and mine alone. And it rocked like a bastard.

The Wildhearts – Sick of Drugs
One of my favouritest bands ever. The Fishing for Luckies album came out in 1994 and I’ve been listening to it very regularly ever since. Sick of Drugs is, in the vernacular of today’s youth, a tuuuuuuuuuuuuune. It made me a very happy boy.

Manic Street Preachers – Archives of Pain
You can’t be a troubled angsty youth without loving the Manics. And love them I did. The Holy Bible was my favourite album (really, really dark), and Archives of Pain was my favourite track from it because a) it made me feel clever and b) the guitar solo is killer.

Pearl Jam – Do the Evolution
Ten is the big Pearl Jam album (Alive, Jeremy, Even Flow etc), but we were lucky enough to observe Pearl Jam evolve in real time, the zenith of which came with Do the Evolution in ’98. Massive song. Incredible video too.

Stereophonics – Looks Like Chaplin
A song best enjoyed live. They may have become a bit wishy-washy of late, but when they were all youthful and exuberant, they were a fucking awesome live outfit.

I’ve missed out so many bands, but this could go on forever…
Hope this brought back some happy memories for some of you – it certainly has for me.