Thursday, 29 October 2009

StreetView: pressure cooker

An animated mental breakdown, basically. Superb.

Learn something every day

Why thanks, I will. Click me.

Kasabian Football Hero

Writing to randoms

Sending a letter to Charles Manson or Arnold Schwarzenegger can yield surprisingly entertaining results. Click here to see.

Shouting on trains... brilliant. I love the look of total bemusement (bleeding into pity and disgust) on the other commuters' faces.

Hang on - isn't she one of the twins from Skins?

How sexy is your town?

Great news - Herne Bay is the 620th sexiest town in the UK, spending most of their dirty cash on anal sex toys. Lovely!
Click here to find out how grotty it is in your manor.

The real Pixar story

That lamp's a little fucker.

Why the fuck do you have a kid?

Some people really should put a little thought in before reproducing.
Click the image for many, many more examples of shonky parenting...

Why you shouldn't pick your nose

This will definitely happen to you if you try it. So just keep your dirty digits out of there...

29/10/09 - erm...

JuicyPips is a day early this week. I’ve decided that Friday is, on the whole, unworthy of my attention. So, what to have as the main subject of discussion?
It was hard to choose. Some ideas I had include:

Last Friday’s episode of Peep Show
How come Jeremy’s mkII Golf has inexplicably turned into a mkI Golf? Did they expect us not to notice? Frankly, as a viewer, I am insulted. The production team can’t have chosen the earlier model simply because they knew Mark’s character would be abusing the drivetrain and the car would be cheaper to buy and destroy, because this isn’t true – the mkI is very much sought after (even the 5-door model as featured in the episode), and it would of course have been much cheaper to go for the more abundant mkII if this were their logic. We can therefore only assume that there’s some hidden plotline there – perhaps Jeremy destroyed the car and tried to replace it with one he thought was similar, or something? Who knows.
Shame, I like Peep Show. The attention to detail is usually pretty strong.

Google’s ‘I’m feeling lucky’ button
Seriously, when’s the last time you clicked it?
The only time anyone’s ever used it is when some Googlebombing-orchestrated meme has occurred, i.e. someone emailing you and saying ‘OMG, type ‘Barack Obama’s favourite hobby’ into Google and hit ‘I’m feeling lucky’, it takes you to a KKK site!’ or whatever. (I made that example up, but you know what I mean.)
However… now that I’ve mentioned it, you’ll be thinking about it next time you use Google. Be careful, because it’s addictive – I’ve just spent ages typing random stuff in to see where it goes. None of them have been interesting so far. But I can’t stop doing it.

The relative ages of The Simpsons
I try not to think about this too much, as I love The Simpsons and I don’t want to ruin it. But their ages just don’t add up.
Marge and Homer were high school sweethearts, and they married young. Marge became pregnant with Bart almost immediately. Yet Bart is 10, while Homer is 39. Where’s the sense in that…?

The littering guy on the bus
I was on the bus home from work the other day, deeply immersed in my book. I was sitting in the old people seat by the glass partition next to the doors, and a middle-aged guy came from the back of the bus and stood at the other side of the partition. A voice from the back of the bus called out ‘Oi mate, you’ve forgotten your McFlurry’. The man didn’t react, and the voice kept coming, over and over again. I tapped him on the shoulder and gestured towards where the voice was coming from. He went back and collected his empty McFlurry container, at which point the bus stopped and he promptly leapt off, throwing the rubbish onto the pavement as he went.
The owner of the chastising voice turned out to be a lad of about seventeen-ish, who then went on and on for ages about how it was an interesting role reversal and people were always blaming his generation for that sort of behaviour. He had a point, but he was enjoying making it a little too much. Anyway, as we approached Wandsworth Bridge he rang the bell and stood by the doors, ready to alight. He pulled his phone from his pocket, and as he did so a cascade of what looked like old receipts fluttered to the ground. He didn’t pick them up. He just kicked them to the corner and strolled away.

The sexy conference call
This is a true story. It happened last week. Someone in my department – for the sake of anonymity, let’s call her ‘Catherine M.’ (or is that too obvious? Yes, let’s go for ‘C. Mangan’ instead) – was calling an associate in the Polish office. Having dialled into the call, she came to her office door and said to us ‘I think someone’s having sex on my conference line’. Yeah yeah, we thought. Chinny reck-on. But, blow me tight, she was bang right. We huddled around her phone, from which emanated sounds of heavy breathing, panting, low moans, occasional grunts and the rhythmic slap of skin on skin. There was clearly some funny business occurring on that conference room table. How is it possible to do that without realising that you’re broadcasting your sweaty love to the global network at large? Who can say? One thing’s for sure – this was no spur-of-the-moment quickie. They were going at it for ages.

So, any of those ideas grab your fancy? Alright, you pick one and fill in the blanks. You’ll have to write your own JuicyPips this week, sorry.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Cassetteboy vs. Nick Griffin

Lovely stuff. And quick work too!

All things bright & beautiful

Stewart Lee: legend.

Splitting Images...

...are the shittest lookalike company ever. Apparently, for example, this is David Seaman.

Click here for hundreds more people that sort of look ever-so-slightly like other people.

Estately home

This is a lovely idea. (Although now his pikey neighbours know about it, he'll be lucky to keep his antiques...)

Click to enlarge

Unintentional filth



Pursing like Daffy does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a tit.
Click here for more.

For The Birds

A lovely little short from Pixar.

Balloon dad: mental bastard

The sun's going to explode? This story's taken an interesting turn...

Click to enlarge

Robert of the Red Lion

I love this guy. Seriously.

23/10/09 - US history

The United States government is easy to poke fun at. Bush did little to help the idiocy-by-association quagmire, but that’s sort of unfair; yes, their foreign policy and military budgets are much in the public eye, but in their hearts they’re probably trying to do the right thing. Bless ‘em. And we’re hardly in the best position to criticise. Brits are often portrayed as belligerent empire-builders because our forefathers occasionally liked to enslave/brutalise/steal from/eradicate folk from other land masses for the sake of planting Union flags here and there, and that’s largely because it’s, er, true. Still, it seemed like a good idea at the time, I'm sure.
So, if it’s mindless xenophobia grounded in historical precedent that you’re after, let’s take a look at two interesting things the US government did in the fifties:

Bombing the Bikini Atoll
The name ‘Bikini’ conjures up cheery summertime images, but it’s actually quite an unpleasant place to be.
The US were keen as mustard on atomic testing in the fifties – you could go to the Nevada desert for a special atomic holiday, drinking atomic cocktails whilst watching the mushroom clouds rise on the horizon. They wouldn’t test the really big ones on their own soil, of course – that would be absurd. The Bikini Atoll was one of the places they liked to set off their little devices, and March 1st 1954 saw a fifteen megaton blast that took one or two people by surprise. People in Okinawa saw the flash… and that’s 2,600 miles away. The fallout drifted out over a radius of 7,000 square miles.
The natives of Rongelap, a nearby island, were warned that they might hear a loud bang early in the morning but it probably wouldn’t be anything to worry about. It must have come as quite a shock to find an epic nuclear wind knocking their houses over, and the ensuing snow of radioactive ash, although pretty, had the unfortunate effect of making their hair leave their bodies in lively clumps, their skin blistering and organs haemorrhaging.
And how unfortunate is this? An ironically monikered Japanese fishing boat, the Lucky Dragon, had been fishing in waters not too far from the blast zone. On returning to Japan, their cargo was unloaded and circulated among the fish markets before the alarm could be raised. With no way of knowing which fish were contaminated, nobody in Japan ate any for weeks. It nearly crippled the industry.

Guatemala & United Fruit
Guatemala elected a reformist government in 1950. Jacobo Arbenz was the leader of this mould-breaking new era – he worked hard to establish free elections, end racial discrimination, introduce fair working hours, legalise unions and quash government corruption. In an effort to reduce the nation’s devastating poverty, he implemented a plan to nationalise the country’s farmland (including 1,700 acres of his own) to ensure that over a hundred-thousand landless peasants had land to earn a living from. He was well loved by his people.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t well loved by United Fruit. The company had effectively run Guatemala since the 19th century, and owned everything that was everything in the country: banks, ports, railways, communications networks, and 550,000 acres of farmland. They relied on the compliance of dictators to allow them to pay very few taxes on their land, whilst making sure that poverty was rife in Guatemala. 85% of the land they owned was left idle to ensure that fruit prices remained high. This meant that few of the local farmers were making a living off the land, so the economy was collapsing and people were starving.
Arbenz’s nationalisation of the land included expropriating 400,000 acres of land from United Fruit, paying them $1,185,000 – the amount they’d claimed it was worth for tax purposes. The company immediately decided that the land was actually worth $16,000,000, which Arbenz’s government couldn’t afford. He turned down the claim for compensation. United Fruit complained to the US government. The US underwrote a coup, Arbenz was removed and extradited, and a new compliant leader, Carlos Castillo, was installed. All of Jacobo's work was undone. To help Castillo find his feet in the role, he was given a list by the CIA of 70,000 ‘questionable individuals’ who had supported the reforms (among them union organisers, teachers, doctors and priests), thousands of whom were never seen again.

This isn’t a dig at modern America. I love Americans. Their white teeth and towelled leisure suits make my heart smile.
That was kind of depressing actually, wasn't it? JuicyPips used to be funny in the olden days. Ah well.
Next week: random facts about Australian history.

Lucky escape

Bloody hell.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

"This woman is what would happen...

...if Glenn Beck fucked a donkey."

Richard Coughlan is an angry, angry man.

Friday, 16 October 2009

Probably Bad News

This is superb - like a FailBlog just for news. Click here.

Ikea Heights

This is such a great idea - an episodic melodrama filmed in a branch of Ikea in California... which Ikea themselves know nothing about! Simple and brilliant.
Click the image to see.

Take A Weird Break

This blog is fucking awesome - a comprehensive collection of all the batshit crazy mental stuff you find in pikey glossy mags on the cheaper end of the shelf. Click here to see.


Every home needs a wankthruster.

That Will Buff Out

Have you ever tried actually using that phrase on someone who's just pranged their car? It doesn't go down well.

Click the image to see lots of prone motors, each more perplexing than the last.

The world's deepest bin

Another ubercool execution from VW's 'Fun Theory' guys - the principle being that human behaviour can be altered by injecting a bit of cheerfulness into actions.

Simpsons vs Burger King

You've undoubtedly seen this already, but it's worth another look.

Emails from crazy people

Crazy people are brilliant. Click the image to see countless more examples of bonkersitude.

Singing spuds

Remember this?


Endless potential for lols here. It's a blog that aggregates the funniest, most embarrassing and cringiest radio gaffes you can imagine - pure gold. Click the image to dive in.

Canal+ - The Closet

A lovely excecution of a classic idea.


Did you see Panorama’s Ryanair thing this week? Rubbish, wasn’t it? I hate Ryanair with a vengeance and was hoping for a real hatchet job, but the show just ended up basically being a 30 minute advert for the airline. Yes, a few flaws were pointed out, but the over-arching theme seemed to be ‘you might as well fly with them, they’re cheap’. This annoyed me greatly.

I’m generally quite a tolerant person. When a fresher’s week pub crawl set up noisy, smashy, vomity residence in my street on Tuesday I waited whole hours before calling the police. I put up with our neighbour’s constantly-yapping dog for weeks before reporting them to the council. I’m not a Victor Meldrew type at all, I’m pretty soft and fluffy really. But if I get screwed over, I really hold a grudge… and there are two companies that have fucked me around so comprehensively that I have as little to do with them as possible now, short of pooing through their letterboxes: those two companies are, somewhat predictably, BT and Ryanair.

I don’t want to go into the trauma of the BT saga – wounds still raw – but let me tell you what Ryanair did.
The Christmas before last, I flew out to France with my sister and elderly grandma to visit my parents. A jolly time was had by all. We were due to fly home on December 27th from Rodez back to Stansted. My folks dropped the three of us off, we checked in our bags and sat waiting for the plane. (Sitting and waiting is realistically all you can do in Rodez airport – it’s just a tin shack in the middle of nowhere.)
So, the plane appears. It swoops towards the runway, then lifts again. It comes for another pass, fails to land again, then just buggers off somewhere. We were, to say the least, baffled by this behaviour. After much procrastination, we’re told that the plane has decided to go to Carcassonne instead, unload its passengers, and return to England empty.

We were concerned by this news.

In an almost impressively unprofessional announcement – in which a timid Ryanair employee whisperingly addressed the seven or eight people nearest the desk – we were informed of our options. We could sit and wait for the next flight. This was in two days time and, of course, fully booked, so not much of an option. We could drive to NĂ®mes – all 200-odd of us – and try to get one of the three spaces available on the next flight from there. Er… that was it.
So we had to call my folks, get one of them to come back and pick us up while the other ordered three EasyJet flights from Toulouse to Gatwick (which is about €150 each if you do it at the last minute), take us to Toulouse and get us on a plane. Arriving at Gatwick wasn’t altogether helpful, given that the car was parked at Stansted, but at least we were in the right country.

Did Ryanair offer us an explanation? Or a refund? Did they even apologise? Did they bollocks.

Oh, and Michael O’Leary kicks kittens to death for fun. Probably. And my mate's brother's butcher's gynaecologist heard that he gives funding to the BNP too.


This is such a cool idea.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009


Michael Fish, holding a fish, in a t-shirt that says 'Mr Fish'? My, that's a lot of fish.

Thursday, 8 October 2009


A lovely bit of animation - my brain can't quite cope with the logisitics of it. I think this is a good thing.

Christmas present for the missus...?

Click the image for an interesting selection of vulva-centric goodies.

Cyclists getting hurt

Juvenile, yes, but genuinely entertaining.

Lego + Bowie + Rock Band = awesome

The wonder of Craigslist

Serious? Spoof? You decide. Quite amusing though.

I'm selling this funky kids friendship bracelet and some other items from our garage sale. Found it in a box in my son's room after he moved out to college. I don't think he has used it much, At least I never seen him wearing it. He seemed really embarrassed when I asked him why he had a girls bracelet in there! Anyways, it seems to be in decent condition although the rope has really taken a beating, slightly streched out. Still has good elasticity. It is great for a young girl as a back to school gift. I'm not sure how it goes on... it could also make a funky anklet, or a key chain, that could be cumbersome though. Could be added to a charm necklace as well. You get the idea.


The fun theory

Cute idea, this.

Bad questions for Yahoo! Answers

Quite an entertaining concept. Click the image to see.

Incidentally (and this is unrelated to the above), this has always been my favourite Yahoo! Answers moment:

The Matrix runs on Windows XP

Lovely stuff.

An open letter to Lily Allen

Oooh, scathing.

Drawing by light

Incredible stuff. Click here for loads more.

One minute, 28 days

28 Days Later - in one minute, in one take. Inspired.

No cheese for you!

Click to enlarge.

Accidental Fresh

Sometimes people just look good without even realising. Click the image to see...

Swearing on live telly

This is possibly the only entertaining thing that's ever happened on GMTV.

TimeLapse Typhoon

Fascinating stuff.

08/10/09 - The JuicyPips Manifesto

Political unrest is much on the minds of the people these days. Brown is being roundly blamed for ruining Britain. Cameron is no longer eschewed for being slimy. Griffin is increasingly popular for some reason, despite the fact that he’s a massive racist (and a chunky irritating intolerant one-eyed twat). Hell, The Sun’s even abandoned Labour.
All of this confusion is very good news for the JuicyPips Party. That’s right, I’m going for the top so I can rule you all with my iron fist in its equally iron-y glove. The principle tenets of my manifesto follow below, so fall in line, peasants.

Chewing gum – outlawed
That’s right. There will be no JuicyFruit in JuicyBritain. For the common good, chewing gum will be criminalised; possession of gum shall be punishable by public embarrassment in the stocks. Think about it – gum has no appreciable benefits of any kind. It creates an astonishing amount of litter; not just from the packaging, but in the sense that every street in the country is covered in ugly grey dots an inch or two across that cannot be shifted. (When I used to work on Oxford Street I would see a council worker with a special hydraulic jet thing for cleaning gum from the pavement – every morning he’d be cleaning exactly the same three square feet. Thankless task. Never-ending.) Also, chewing gum makes you look like a common twunt. Look at Alex Ferguson, he chews like a machine and looks absurd. It always disappoints me to see Cheryl Cole chewing on Xtra Factor. I thought she was classier than that.

Better behaviour on buses
Two things occurred on the C3 to work on Wednesday that illustrate the importance of this policy. Firstly, there was the middle-aged woman with the Paris Hilton dog. Come on, it’s rush hour – why have you got a rubbish little dog in a bag with you? Why do you think it’s appropriate to feed your dog on the bus when, presumably, you’ve just left your house which would be a far more suitable environment for such an endeavour? Why does your tiny little dog get to have a seat while I, a full-sized human, am forced to stand?
Secondly, the mental bitch on the phone. My God, she was loud. A lot of people don’t seem to appreciate the miraculous amount of advanced technology that’s squeezed into modern telecommunications equipment. That little microphone is incredibly sensitive, and is specially designed to pick up your voice whilst cancelling out ambient noise – theoretically, the person on the other end of the line could hear you if you were whispering... and let’s not forget that it’s only a couple of inches from your mouth. So why are you shouting? This habit is largely prevalent among fat people – perhaps the sound just resonates more through their voluminous frames – and people who don’t speak English very well, as if they’re crowdsourcing feedback from other commuters on whether or not they’re constructing their sentences correctly. Given how annoying their behaviour is, it’s amazing how upset they get when you explain the cleverness of telephone tech, and go on to point out that no-one on the fucking bus is in the least bit fucking interested in their tedious fucking conversation and they might want to consider fucking shutting the fuck up.
Bad behaviour on buses will be punishable by offenders having to refund everybody’s fares.

Legalisation of everything
It just makes sense. It’s really short-sighted to assume that criminalising recreational drug use will reduce incidences of it happening. If people want to have a relaxing joint or a crafty line at the weekend then they’re going to do it. The benefits of making every drug legal are obvious: firstly, of course, it will rapidly and immediately diminish the organised crime network. The majority of organised crime centres around three areas – drugs, prostitution, human trafficking. Legalise the former two and their sole revenue stream is the latter; with fewer police chasing after respectable citizens who like a cheeky toke or a handjob in a layby, they can refocus their efforts on cracking down on the human trafficking thing. Job done.
With all drugs available through official channels, authorities can control the content. Purity levels will be assured (value for money there), while harmful ingredients will be eliminated: with fewer people unwittingly snorting rat poison, pressure on the healthcare infrastructure will be relieved. Also, do the obvious thing: tax drugs. The government can take a cut of every pill, every gram, every eighth, and pump the vast profits into healthcare, education, the whole shooting match. Yes, you may find a slight rise in the number of recreational drug users initially, but a) the pros of the system outweigh the cons by far, and b) look at the Amsterdam model: do they have a weed epidemic? Of course not. People know what they want to do, they’re not stupid.
The only reason this idea hasn’t been mooted before is that there’s no way any party would ever get in with such a policy – the Daily Mail would have a field day.
The JuicyPips Party isn’t afraid of the Daily Mail. Let’s fight intolerance with intolerance!

Cyclists behave!
Christ, I hate cyclists. I’m willing to let them be as long as they behave – I used to love riding my bike as a kid, I understand the enjoyment that can be had. Weekend mountain bikers, off-roaders, downhill riders, skilled BMXers etc are all fine and dandy, it’s an interesting hobby. But commuter cyclists just have no manners. So, a set of punishments for specific infringements is called for, I think...
Any of the following may be considered an infringement: riding on pavements, ignoring red lights, not wearing a helmet (seriously, are you stupid?), shouting at pedestrians, wearing lycra (you’re in London at rush hour, it’s not the fucking Tour de France), and ignoring red lights. (I know I said the red light thing twice, but all cyclists do this and it really pisses me off. Who do you think you are? The rules of the road apply to you too, you arrogant arse. You’re not special.) Punishment for first offence: disablement of all gears except the annoying one where your legs go round really fast. Punishment for second offence: removal of front brakes, meaning you have to rely on the rears to skid you to a halt. Punishment for third offence: forehead tattoo that reads ‘I love bicycles because I hate people’.

Quality of Audio Policy
There’s something worrying about society today. It’s those little white earphones you get with your iPod. Very few people under the age of thirty have ever actually heard music. Sure, they’ve listened to plenty, but never really heard...
Apple have a lot to answer for. They knew that the cultural zeitgeist was theirs and theirs alone. They could have done something beautiful. But no, they made us all want something that, although clever, presents itself aurally as a tinny echo. People today hear music as if it were being performed in a locked room far, far away; the concept of bass must scare the shit out of them.
What do we propose to do about this? Simple. Government-subsidised B&W floorstanders for anyone with an mp3 player, along with contracts that ensure that people will go home and actually listen to the music they buy, rather than using it as uhn-tiss-uhn-tiss-uhn-tiss background for their journey to work. It’ll make you happier, you’ll see.

JuicyBritain will set you free. Vote for me or be crushed!

Banksy... the story so far

Friday, 2 October 2009

Terminator - How it should end

Pure sunlit perfection.

Anti-smoking film - Fightback

Dark as hell, this.

Kashiwa Mystery Cafe

What could be so mysterious about a seemingly ordinary cafe? I won't ruin the surprise for you - click the image and bask in the glory of the future of retail.

The death of peace

He perseveres, bless 'im.

One man band

This dude has some crazy skills.


The latest round of bitterness and personal agony in the vein of fmylife.

Clicky picky.

Bacon Ice Cream

It's amazing that this hasn't been marketed already.


Ever wanted a font that was made entirely of cocks? Then click below, it's your lucky day...

I Hate Young People

This website is just fascinating - the young/old divide alternately presented first hand. And there's loads of it. Click the image to take a look.

Gordon Brown: stroppy bugger

Everything is OK!

Well, thank goodness for that.

Eel slap

Fancy slapping this man with an eel? Click the image and have a go.

TXT Island

Bored of stop-motion yet? Nope, me neither. This rocks.

02/10/09 - Shite ads

Every now and then I feel compelled to talk about something advertisingy in JuicyPips. This is one of those times. So, for no particular reason or obvious benefit to anyone, here’s a round-up of the adverts I really hate at the moment…
This one really irritates me. Yes, it’s exactly what advertising should be from a technical point of view; it’s strategically pretty much bang-on, it combines strong TV and outdoor work with a canny social media strategy, it’s got a memorable and quotable catchphrase, it gets people talking about it… I just really fucking hate it. It’s so annoying. The whole campaign is based around a weak gag which they just keep stringing out and stringing out to an absurd degree. The fact that it’s permeated my own personal social barometer – being discussed/quoted by the kids on the bus – particularly irks me.
It’s not funny. It’s shit. Simples.

This is also incredibly annoying. Aside from the fact that it explains the Envirofone process with such agonisingly moronic repetitiveness that you feel personally insulted by it (and also the eyefuckingly shocking colours they insist on thrusting into your face start to physically hurt), there are three people in that advert that I really want to injur: the camp guy with the Mohican that says ‘sooooo last year’, the fat prick who shouts ‘wonga!’ and the beardy Welsh twat who says ‘coooool’. They are three of the worst people that have ever lived. Worse than Pol Pot. Worse than Hitler. Worse than Mika. The advert doesn’t make me want to send them my old phone. It makes me want to hunt down the wankers in the ad and pulverise their faces with a steak tenderiser.
What the hell’s Peter Jones up to? Has he gone mental? First of all, he doesn’t really need the money, so you’d expect that any ad he’d be in would be for something philanthropic or worthwhile. But this just makes him look an absolute tit. What’s he doing cocking around with a shopping trolley in what looks like the drugstore in Natural Born Killers? Fucking idiot.

I have two problems with this. Firstly, it opens with the line ‘whether your cat’s in the prime of his life or still just a bundle of fun…’. Overlooking the obvious sexism (‘his life’?), this implies that older cats aren’t fun. This is clearly not true.
A bigger issue, however, is the product’s name. ‘As good as it looks’? It looks disgusting! Is that supposed to be some sort of selling point? Do cats like disgusting food?

Oh my God, have you seen this one? It sucks ass. It starts off like some kind of Bollywood Hovis ad, then just shows ages and ages of footage of some smiling people eating curry. It goes on for far too long. And the little kid that narrates it has a really annoying voice.
The ‘joke’ at the end about the guitar? Weak. Nonsensical. Random. Unnecessary.

Morrison’s – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter
I just wish Nick Hancock would fuck off. Stop shouting at me, you not-funny berk.

Hardy’s – Come Dine With Me idents
These get on my nerves because of the obvious lie in the endline. ‘At your table since 1853’? I think not. Firstly, my table came from Homebase. There’s no way it can have been around since 1853. Secondly, that was quite along time before I was born. Dur. Thirdly, it seems unlikely that the first thing a new world wine producer would do upon establishing a new vineyard would be to ship all of their produce to England. The whole thing smacks of historical inaccuracy.

News of the World – Dwight Yorke
Did you see this one? It’s shocking. There’s nothing Dwight Yorke won’t say for cash, the bastard has no integrity. He sounds like a robot when he says ‘for the first time ever, I expose the shocking truth’, and there’s a fleshcreepy smugness to his ‘I’ll tell you what Katie Price is really like behind closed doors’. Keep it to yourself, you awful, awful man. Jesus.

…in fact, any sofa-based advert. Why do they insist on showing the most horrifically ugly sofas? It astonishes me that they ever sell any if that’s the best they have to show people.

Their new ‘Wherever You Live’ ad is really stupid. They’re very keen to make the point that their staff have admirable expertise, but they make at least one glaring error. There’s a man in a B&Q apron fiddling about under a sink. He says ‘I was a plumber for twenty-five years’. Really? Were you? You can’t have been any fucking good at it, can you? Plumbers earn brilliant money – much better than the minimum wage you’d be getting at generic local DIY shop type B. If you’re such a plumbing expert, why aren’t you still a plumber? Did you kill someone? Are you a sex offender? Or were you just a shit plumber?
And don’t even get me started on the endline. Some old git says ‘you’d be surprised what’s do-able’, then the words ‘It’s all do-able’ flash up on screen. Where’s the surprise there?
And it’s a false promise. What if I were to walk into B&Q and say ‘I want to repaint my kitchen with a new Dulux Paintpod?’ They’d agree that it’s an easily achievable dream. But what if I was to subsequently ask the sales assistant to do the painting for me? In a monkey suit? They’d tell me to piss off.
B&Q – fail.

iPhone transformer app

Good lord, it's the future.

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