Thursday, 30 July 2009

Classic racism

Out of the mouths of babes, etc.

Muzorama

Tremendously odd, and strangely compelling.

Muzorama from Muzorama Team on Vimeo.

Saintly Man - Mitchell & Webb

The very epitome of serenity.

Faces in Places

...because sometimes stuff looks like a face. Click here.


Awful Library Books

Want to see some shit books? Click the image to see plenty...

Chinchilli Day

All adverts should have budgets this big.

Insanewiches

As the name suggests, these sandwiches are insane. Click here.


The Daily Grind

So wrong it has to be right.

KempFolds

Who'd have thought you could have so much fun folding up pictures of Ross Kemp's face?
Click here.





Kemonozume 8

This is pretty self-explanatory and requires no further analysis.

30/07/09 - In praise of shite

People are, in general, quite annoying: judgmental, pretentious, arrogant, condescending, and usually waiting for you to make some kind of social, cultural or fiscal faux pas so that they can hold your pathetic life against their own supposedly superior one in order to further demoralise you. Well, screw them. If the credit crunch has taught us one thing, it’s that inferior and tacky stuff really isn’t that bad. So this week, JuicyPips is defending the shite. We need shite. It keeps us cheery. JuicyPips is turning bitchiness on its head – know someone who regularly visits Starbucks, uses their BlackBerry on the train even if they don’t need to, shops at Waitrose or drives a Range Rover but never leaves London? Feel free to judge them. They’re the ones in the wrong. Here’s a few things that, damn it, you’re allowed to enjoy, no matter how much people may tut at you. (Don’t listen to Range Rover BlackBerry man, he’s an arse.)

Heat magazine
Heat is the very epitome of aesthetic self-consciousness. The celebrity glossy mag genre is, by definition, bilge, but the genius of Heat is that they know how crap it all is. More, Closer, blah blah etc are all produced by ham-fisted morons who rely a little too heavily on the spell-checker and the importance of bright colours over content, but if you want pithy abuse and searing indictments of celebrity idiocy, go to Heat. It’s like being in a secret club.
It is a lot cheaper than a proper magazine too...

Property programs
Really, they’re good. They’re particularly entertaining if you haven’t got any money whatsoever and have no hope of entering into property development on any level, as they give you brilliant opportunities to judge well-off people for wasting their money on spiral mahogany staircases and double-width Smeg fridges. Grand Designs is great. So are Property Ladder, Location Location Location and Property Snakes and Ladders. Revel in your hovel in the knowledge that anything you do would be an improvement.
(Enjoy judging people but aren't into property? Try Come Dine With Me or Four Weddings instead.)

Buying cheap clothes
I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought clothes in an actual shop, apart from a few weeks ago when I bought some socks in Primark. What? They’re dirt cheap and they’re probably made by the same people as M&S socks. Everything else comes from eBay. Let someone else swallow the depreciation.
(Note: this works best if you’re not that bothered about what you look like.)

Mainstream bands
They’re not shite – that’s why they’re so popular – but the fashionistas will have you believe that they are. I bought the first Kings of Leon album in 2003 and I really liked it. I still do. I like the latest one too. But what happens if you say ‘Kings of Leon’ in a bar in Shoreditch? They’ll chase you out of there on their tiny little Nathan Barley scooters. Sod it. Listen to Kaiser Chiefs or The Fratellis if that’s what you want – you can enjoy Ikara Colt and Mower on your own time, in the knowledge that you don’t care what people think, particularly if they’re wearing fucking Wayfarers and vintage skinny-fits. Pretentious berks.
Embrace the mainstream - you can tape it off the radio, it won't cost you a bean.

Only ever drinking in your work bar because you can’t afford to go anywhere else
I’ve managed to convince myself that this is fine.

Retro movies
It’s kind of annoying that people do this sort of kitsch-for-the-sake-of-it ‘look at me, I remember the eighties, my t-shirt says so’ thing, but actually Top Gun is a genuinely good movie. So is Back to the Future. So are Wayne’s World, Days of Thunder, The Naked Gun, Crocodile Dundee, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The Goonies and Ace Ventura. Why spend all your cash on the latest DVD releases? Just watch all your old movies again. Have a few drinks while you're doing it, it'll all seem much funnier.

Very cheap cars
You don’t need to spend a fortune on a car to have fun – it’s all about what you do with it. The market’s flooded with mid-nineties motors for peanuts, so you can grab yourself a mkVI Escort or a mkIII Cavalier with a few months ticket for a couple of hundred quid, strip all the weight out, rag the nuts off it, then scrap it and start again six months later. Find yourself something rear wheel drive – a Volvo 340, say – and you can go drifting. Brilliant.
Yes, you’ll be judged by Cayenne drivers. But who gives a toss what they think?

Tesco Value/Sainsbury’s Basic food
Stop agonising over the pikeyness of it and just buy it. The beans are the same, the salmon’s just a different shape and the pasta is, well, pasta. (Maybe steer clear of the piss-weak lager though. It turns your urine blue.)

Having a pay-as-you-go mobile
Actually, you have to draw the line somewhere. That is well gyppo.

Friday, 24 July 2009

Tortoise porn

Does what it says on the tin. She doesn't seem that into it, to be honest.

Cakeyvoice - knitted characters

This is just incredible - an endless collection of knitted movie characters, sci-fi bods and celebs. Total skill. Click here.

Saving Private Remi

French trickster recreates Normandy landing solo. Very few people react.

Wall-E computer case

This is pretty impressive - a guy decides he wants his computer to look like Wall-E, so he builds it from scratch. The level of skill and attention to detail is immense - click the image to see the full story.

Cheap hotel

Bloody hell - you could be living at the Watergate for the price of a flat in Croydon.

(Click to enlarge)

Microwave freakout

Remember the kid who freaked out when his mum cancelled his World of Warcraft account and he tried to jam a remote control up his bum? (Click here if not.)

Well, here is freaking out at the microwave. The kid would benefit from a nice firm slap.



His brother's a hilarious little bastard.

Nicotastrophe

You've have to be pretty stupid...

(Click to enlarge)

Olivia Woolley...

...is a dude, yes?

Time-lapse hot air balloons

This is so pretty.
(And I found it via Douglas Coupland tweeting it, which makes it doubly cool.)

Some creepy old ads

Adverts were peculiar in t'olden days. Click here for a few more.

Pingwire

This a real-time (well, almost) feed of random pictures that people around the world are sharing on Twitter - click the image to see. It's probably only a matter of time before you see boobs, a cock or some vomit.

Unlikely things to read on a packet

You can't beat a good bit of swearing.

The end of I and the start of II

This has needed doing for some time...

24/07/09 - Swine flu/propaganda

Hamdemic. Parmageddon. The aporkalypse.
Pigsniffle fever has gripped the nation and we’re powerless to do anything about it. But is this really such a bad thing? If everyone smells of delicious bacon then levels of social tastiness will increase. And pigs are supposed to be quite hygienic animals, aren’t they?
So, in an effort to eradicate some of the tabloid-led sensationalism (yes, 31 deaths would be a horrifying figure in a motorway pile-up or an elevator accident or something, but it’s only 0.00005% of the population [you’re far more likely to die from an office furniture calamity or hot beverage-related mishap]), let’s take a look at some rather more serious pandemics and suchlike from the past…

…actually, you know what? Scratch that idea, it’s awful. I did a reasonably hefty amount of research into the Black Death, the Plague of Athens, the seven major cholera pandemics, the AIDS epidemic, Asiatic Flu, Spanish Flu, Hong Kong Flu, H5N1, TB, measles, smallpox, Irish mumps, typhus, viral hemorrhagic fever, yellow fever, malaria, SARS, dengue fever, sweating sickness, the Great Plague of Seville, the Antonine Plague, the Plague of Constantinople – and none of it’s actually that funny. In fact, rather a lot of people bought the farm in various quite sweaty ways. So instead, for no obvious reason, here’s a series of random lies about people that work in my office. (People will hopefully Google their names and spot these ‘facts’ on the JuicyPips blog, thereby smearing their characters.)

  • Freda Allen makes all of Craig Denyer’s financial decisions.
  • Kasia Gibbs only eats butter and sunflower seeds.
  • James Martin kissed a boy, and he liked it.
  • David Bates hates the Village Fayre and widdles in their water supply.
  • Louise Cunliffe is a pixie from space.
  • Nate Lewin edits the scripts for Have I Got News For You.
  • Olivia Logue killed a deer with her bare hands.
  • Ian Robinson killed a bear with his deer hands.
  • Sarah Baumann stole her Mercedes from Chelsea Cars.
  • Matt Bailey lives in a Kings Cross studio flat with a transsexual dancer.
  • Nikki Clack’s favourite movie is Some Like It Hot.
  • Paul Lawson fancies my uncle.
  • Reiko Bridge plays a mean castanet.
  • Lilli English is seven feet tall.
  • Andrew Edwards can’t drive unless he’s listening to Springsteen. He just forgets how.
  • Chloe Belskaia found a suitcase full of Euros on a cross-channel ferry. It’s under her mattress.
  • Frank Duck actually is descended from waterfowl.
  • Holly Findell is forty-five years old.
  • Marc Giusti and Ollie Kristian are the same person.
  • Fran Scorer has impressive unicycle skills.
  • Georgie Harris had an argument with a Rubik’s Cube in Hamley’s.
  • Marie Murphy is a bare-knuckle boxer.
  • Rob Tenconi rides a Ducati Monster.
  • Lime doesn’t exist.
  • Martin Weigel hates the Dutch.


Well, that was shit. Hooray, worst JuicyPips ever!

Friday, 17 July 2009

Megaminx

One question: if you know that there are 6,144,385,775,971,883,979,645,753,925,393,402,415,081,061,792,664,780,800,000,000,000 different permutations before you start, why would you bother?

Sexual harassment is cool

I want to work in this office. The oily cocks thing sounds brilliant.

Babes of the BNP

Like your women thick, racist and a bit minging? Click the Vice logo and check out these thick bitches...

Weddingtastrophe

Mr W.

This is rather lovely.

'Here comes the science part...'

15 Useful and creative inventions

Pizza scissors? Fuck yeah! Click the image...

Weird Meat

This is a blog by a guy who travels the world eating strange food - yaks, crickets, fish shit, penises... this dude will put anything in his mouth. And very interesting it is too. Click here.

Catch of the day

Cheesy finger-lasers

I love this - Japanese TV is so odd.

Lamebook

Quite simply, a collection of losers and dickheads on Facebook. Click the image.

The Shamen vs The Doctor

Doctor Who set to Ebeneezer Goode - what's not to like?

17/07/09 - Finding Julio

Three greying and bedraggled figures enter a tavern on the edge of a thick, foreboding forest, alive with swarming critters and flanked by the convergence of two mighty rivers. We’ll call the men Bingo, Skipper and Clive (although their real names are Paul, Giles and Jon). They wear crude leather singlets and carry barren calfskin canteens, their hair piled in shaggy shapeless tangles that cascade into their voluminous beards. As they sink onto stools in the darkened alehouse, the innkeeper knows to hand them each a mug of nut-brown froth without a word. These are men with a tale to tell, halfway through an epic journey – men of diminished valour, dubious virtue and pasts of questionable honour.

Many tankards are despatched and Bingo, feeling a growing kinship with the innkeeper, begins to relate the tale that has led the damned triumvirate to such a secluded and mysterious location.
It all begins in the hamlet of Grimlock, where little Bingo is just twelve years old. He’s merrily playing shove ha’penny with his close friends Skipper, Clive and Julio when a glistening ogre unexpectedly bursts through the door, scoops Julio up in his arms and scampers out of the village. The three boys are perplexed. They chase after the ogre, but he’s too quick for them. They scour the woods for hours, shouting themselves hoarse, weeping bitter tears of remorse. It’s hopeless. They’re only little – they have no idea where an ogre might hide and even if they did, they have no hope of tackling it.
Skipper, who has a burgeoning interest in the ways of the samurai (and Eastern vengeance culture in general) suggests a plan. They wait. They train. They follow a strict routine of discipline. And when they’re ready, they will surely be guided to Julio.

And so it came to pass that the three frightened boys became three tough and wiry young men, adept in the employment of nunchaku and bowstaff, fists of fury and ninja stars of retribution. They practice, they train, they eat rice, they train some more… their dedication to the cause consumes their lives, swallowing them whole, overwhelming their sense of community, of family, until their respective existences are honed to little more than a tunnel-focused dart toward a specific aim: become masters of the martial craft, and use their skills to track down Julio.

Months bleed into years, years into decades, until at last a sign comes - a voice calling to Bingo from an otherworldly place, summoning him from his slumber. Unhesitatingly he gathers his accomplices and they set off through the forest. Fifty years of training lies under each of their belts, and they set off in their quest with a steely resolve and a grim determination to lay the demons of the past to rest and fulfil the act towards which their whole lives have been hurtling.

For days, weeks, they tramp through uncharted enchanted forests, spiky brushland, near-impenetrable woodland; through rain and shine, night and day, chill and warmth, fate drives them inexorably onwards. Snakes slither by unnoticed. Hawks swoop to no avail. Bears pounce, yet they barely bat an eye. After countless days and nights of solid sleepless hiking, they stumble, determined but weary, upon the tavern, the promise of refreshment and respite too strong a lure to resist.


Don’t you just hate it when stories finish halfway through? Yeah, me too. Really pisses me off, it’s a total waste of time.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

The Annotated Weekender

It takes a special kind of genius to consistently draw all over the Guardian's weekend magazine to such a high standard. Click here for lovely doodles.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Top tips...

...as found in pikey cheapo magazines read by morons. Top tips, obviously, submitted by morons.
Click here for more.


Landlord of the Flies

This story is just incredible. Click the image to see - the posts are in reverse order (he's frequently updating the blog with crazy developments), so you need to click to the end and work backwards.

Duke Nukem's Disease

Just superb.

This toilet sucks

An interesting experiment performed by an irritating twat.

Emails from an asshole

This really amuses me. The guy's just a total fucker. Click here for loads more.


Kittens for my Tiger
Posted at: 2009-06-09 02:00:01
Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.

From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,
I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?
Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,
Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,
To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.
Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,
I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.

Shaun Ryder on TFI Friday

Shaun Ryder getting a bit sweary on TFI Friday, and performing 'Pretty Vacant' with Black Grape.

(I remember this being broadcast. Makes me feel old.)

Nail art

Very cute, and a little dark. Click here.

Machine Girl

Oh my God, this looks hilarious.

10/07/09 - car stuff

I went to the Goodwood Festival of Speed at the weekend, and now you have to listen to me bang on about it. (Well, you don’t have to… you can just scroll to the funny videos and stuff if you like.)
I go every year, and it just keeps getting better. Have you ever been? You really should. Even if you’re not interested in cars, it’s awesome – and if you’re like me, it turns you into a hyperactive bouncy teenager. I get over-excited, I admit it. I’m a massive car nerd.
So what do you get to see there? Rally cars from all eras nailing through the forest at full tilt, concepts from decades ago on show, pretty much every famous competition car you can think of, current F1 cars as well as F1 cars from the last five or six decades, all the latest supercars hauling ass up the hill, new concepts, countless famous racing drivers and riders milling about in the crowds, full open access to all the pits and paddocks so you can drool over all the cars you’ve ever lusted after… click here for the website.

It rocks. It’s the highlight of my year. But it’s not the only motorsport event you should be getting moistly excited about: if you want to be like me (which you do, admit it), you’ll fancy having a bit of unburnt race fuel spat in your face at every possible opportunity, so just for you – because I’m good to you – I’ve summarised all the petrolhead stuff you should be doing. Read this guide, then do what it says.

Goodwood Revival
See, it’s not like Boxing Day misery when the Festival of Speed’s over – you only have to wait till September and then it’s the Revival.
Held at the Goodwood racing circuit (rather than the grounds of the house), it’s a themed period event – a fifties/sixties timewarp. You dress up in period costume, pay 2/6d for a cucumber sandwich and a glass of Pimm’s and watch some top-drawer classic motor racing. They may be priceless vintage cars, but it’s seriously competitive racing…
…and if you just can’t get enough of Goodwood, there’s the Breakfast Club too – run on Sunday mornings, you turn up at 8ish, have a full English, check out some cars, home by lunch. Very civilised.

Le Mans
This is the big one. You know what it is, but have you actually seen it up close? The drive down through France is like a mobile car show in itself, with super- and hypercars constantly screaming past (and subsequently getting their collars felt by the gendarmes). A friend of mine, who was there this year, summed up the campsites perfectly: “This,” he said, “is what happens when you have a load of men with a load of beer and don’t give them anything to do”. The campsites are full of the über-rich in their Ferraris and what-have-you rubbing shoulders with the poor likes of us, and while they’re waiting for the 24hr race to begin they’re stopping every single car that passes and forcing them to perform burnouts on demand – limousines, taxis carrying fares, people whose tyres are already bald and still have to get them back to Blighty – everyone. The support race sees classics being driven as they should, while the Le Mans 24hr itself… well, it’s indescribable. And very, very loud.

Touring Cars
It’s amazing that this isn’t more popular. The cars you see on track look like the cars you see pootling to the shops. (In the early days of the BTCC, this was actually the case – some drivers would genuinely race their wives’ shopping cars.) Nowadays, of course, it’s very high-tech, but it’s still a field of Vectras, Civics and the like. And get this – it’s a full-contact sport. They barge each other out of the way constantly.
If you’re only interested in the crashes then you’re watching for the wrong reasons… but you do get awesome crashes in the BTCC. Have a look on YouTube.

Santa Pod
For as long as traffic lights have existed, there has been drag racing. Two cars, side-by-side, seeing who can cover the quarter-mile the quickest from a standing start. Various classes have developed over the decades, and Santa Pod is the best place in the UK to see any one of them, whether you’re into top-fuel funny cars or you just want to nail your mum’s Nova up the strip.

Stock Cars / Bangers
It can be quite sad to watch when they’re destroying genuinely irreplaceable and saveable classics, but if it’s a field of knackered mkV Escorts and mkIII Cavaliers then you’re good to go. Watch them drive round an oval for half an hour smashing the fuck out of each other, then eat a pie. Good clean fun.

Formula One
You must know all about this already, right? There’s not a lot that needs to be said, but three points to silence the naysayers: 1) Lewis Hamilton isn’t the superhuman everyone thought he was; 2) Jenson Button paid his dues for years and deserves all of his success this year; 3) tweaks to the rulebook mean that this season is the most exciting it’s been for some time.
Want a feel of what it's really about? Type the following names into YouTube: Juan Manuel Fangio, Ayrton Senna, Graham Hill, Mike Hawthorn, Jim Clark, Alberto Ascari, John Surtees.

MPH Show
Go to this. Seriously, it’s great. It combines the static displays of a regular car show with an impressive diversity… and with Top Gear Live. Face it, you’re never going to get tickets to the filming of Top Gear. Go to this instead.

Ace Café
Worth going to on any night - their website has a timetable of upcoming themes. Proper old school rockabilly café culture with good food, cheap beer and a huge display area out front for whatever type of cars or bikes are congregating there that night. Always a brilliant atmosphere.

Nürburgring
You can’t be a car enthusiast without lapping the Green Hell. It’s simultaneously the coolest and most terrifying thing you’ll ever do. Camp on site, get an early start in the morning, buy a ticket for a few laps and see how you get on – you’ll soon get used to 911s and Can-Am racers pounding past you – just don’t crash into anything. That’ll cost you a bloody fortune.

…and of course there’s karting, autotesting, stock hatch, autograssing, hillclimbs, Rally GB, the Mille Miglia, time trials, NASCAR, drifting, sprinting, the Gumball 3000, ice racing, rallycross, the Autosport show… you haven’t really got time for a job any more. You’re very lucky I get anything done around here.

Move it on up girl

My favourite ever piece of Michael Jackson footage.

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Breathy Palin

Sarah Palin having some kind of hilarious psychotic epsiode.

Some ads...

The internet's full of lists of clever adverts. This one's quite good though...







Polar panoramics

These are stereographic projections (sometimes known as 'little planets') that are created from panoramic photographs.

(Plenty more here.)

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Lost Tribes of New York

Anthropomorphising the street furniture of the Big Apple. Lovely.

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Dance 'til you pop

Cute.

Beautiful Glasto photos

Click here for more.

Pringles flash ad

Click the image to see the cool new Pringles flash ad. You have to keep clicking... and clicking... and clicking...

'Nigaz' - racist?

Unsurprisingly, 'Nigaz' is causing a bit of a racial fracas. Click the image to read the BBC article.

When Harry Met Sally - horror movie remix

Ducks: idiots

Testing bras at Alton Towers

The fact that they keep referring to Alton Towers as a 'resort' is, I reckon, the second best think about this clip.

The indestructible man

You sort of hope he'd look like the T-1000, rather than just some slightly knackered old giffer.

(Click to enlarge)

Weebl and Bob - 'Pastry'/'Cube'

I love Weebl & Bob very much. So here's a couple of their classics...



Life inside a water bottle

Click the image to see what it would be like if you were trapped inside a water bottle. You can drag the screen through 360 degrees in all directions, and there are other images to try at the bottom too. Brilliant.

Balls of steel

Paul Merton repeatedly kicking a man in the bollocks. Classic.

Springfield Punx

This rocks. A Canadian chap named Dean has created a blog devoted to chronicling his quest to turn loads of celebs and superheroes into Simpsons characters. And he's really good at it. Click here to see.

Top 10 boobies in video games

The clue's in the title, really. Simple but brilliant.

Meatini

Ever wondered what would happen if you combined a Martini with a full English breakfast? Well wonder no more - click the alluring image below to see how it's done!